You probably already know that success is more than monetary gain. In this life, there are infinite ways to be successful that have nothing to do with making money.
Rationally, you can understand this, but when you see your peers grow and advance in their careers while you stay home – it can literally f*ck with your head.
Being a stay-at-home dad is complicated. In a society that often questions this decision, it’s hard to determine whether you made the right choice or whether you’re successful or not.
Sometimes you feel shame for your decision to be a stay-at-home dad and not what society expects you to be. Other times, you feel guilt for wishing you were somewhere else and not with the child(ren) you created. Then, there’s anger for not having it all figured out.
Instead of enjoying the process and spending valuable time with your kids, you find yourself imagining the lives of other people… thinking about what they are doing and how they must be better off than you.
The moments you spend at home can feel like you’re doing a whole lot of nothing when you should be out doing something.
As a stay-at-home dad, you have to ask yourself some important questions.
First, what does true success mean to you? Do you measure success by traditional metrics like salary or career advancement? Or can you find a sense of satisfaction from your role in your children’s lives?
It’s okay if your answer is not what you think it should be.
You can find immense satisfaction in raising your children, but still feel like there’s something else that you need to do, achieve, or attain. That’s just the reality of being a stay at home dad.
At the present moment, you might not be able to change your current role, but you can redefine what it means to be a stay at home dad and what true success looks like.
Traditional Masculine Roles
In society’s current paradigm, we’ve somehow equated masculinity with money. If you’re not earning, then you‘re not looked at with respect.
Society pushes men to chase power, status, and wealth above everything else. When attained, these values produce momentary happiness, but it’s short-lived.
Why? Because we’re constantly driven to achieve more. Do more, have more, and be more.
For example, if you open social media you will likely see someone with a better house, a better car, and what looks like – a better life.
From what you can tell, they must have more money, time, and resources than you.
When you compare yourself to others, it doesn’t matter how much money you’re making, it just never feels like it’s enough.
What would it mean to you if you could release yourself from these types of pressures?
Who would you be if you didn’t have to fit society’s expectation of what a man should be?
What if you defined yourself by a new definition of success?
Success through Fatherhood
Fatherhood requires a very specific skill set. Being a good businessman, employee, or worker doesn‘t necessarily mean you’ll be a good father.
Fatherhood requires investment, sacrifice, and most importantly, heart. Fathers who are emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and understanding towards their children provide care beyond what’s standard or socially acceptable.
It’s commendable to raise children to adulthood, but laying a foundation of love, acceptance, nurture, and guidance is true success.
If your children can remember you for your kindness, generosity, self-sacrifice, and love – then you did something right.
Your daily presence at home is far more valuable than anything that money can buy.
Managing Financial and Social Pressures
Yes, there will be people who question your choice, judge you, and even try to shame you for staying home.
First, most importantly, You know who you are and why you chose this path. Next, don’t let them get inside your head.
Instead, try to lean into their criticism and ask what makes them feel negatively towards stay at home dads.
When you are curious, open, and transparent – it forces other people to question their own insecurities.
Ask them, What‘s your opinion on stay at home dads? What makes you feel that way? If you were a stay at home dad, would you fear what society might think about you?
Someone who fully accepts themselves does not judge others nor is bothered by negative opinions.
Leaving your Old Identity Behind
The person you were before you became a stay at home dad is not the same person you are now. Coming to terms with this identify shift can be painful.
There will be certain aspects of your old identity that you will miss. For example, the person who was independent, carefree, and had no one else to worry about except himself.
In daydreams, it’s easy to imagine how your former life was so much better. You could work, get paid, and focus entirely on yourself. But that’s not the person you are anymore.
You‘re a dad, a father, and a partner. You have to worry and be concerned about others now. It’s no longer just about yourself.
I promise you can make money again, be selfish again, and in the future, spend your time however you want – but these moments are brief. Your kids will grow up, leave, and dare I say, not even need you anymore.
Staying at home while you watch the world stay busy can feel like torture, especially when you imagined yourself working or doing much grander things. It’s not easy to accept your new identity as a stay at home dad, but it probably will be your most important identity yet.
Measuring Success in New Ways
When you became a dad, you witnessed the first smile, roll over, sit up, walking steps, and words spoken by your child. These were huge accomplishments.
You watched them grow and develop right before your eyes.
Don’t underscore the value and importance of your presence in your children’s lives and how much they need you.
To your child, you are their father, hero, and friend. In other words, their whole world.
If you could see yourself through their eyes, you’d recognize just how successful you are.
Most kids want to be “just like dad”. This isn’t a mistake, it’s a calling. Dad is their role model, guide, and figure they look up to.
You might not get a traditional “pay out” for the time you‘re investing at home. But know that you that you’re making a big impact on the lives of your children.
Choosing to prioritize your family is a courageous decision. This sacrifice is often overlooked or ignored, but one day, your children will thank you.
Continue to reflect on you own definition of success and what it means to you to be a stay at home dad.
Do you struggle with feeling successful? Leave a comment below!